Thursday Menswear Moment: Skinny Jeans on Men

WARNING:  This is going to get ugly….and snarky.  You have been warned.

It’s bad enough that women are wearing this particular fashion abomination–o.m.g. and don’t get me started.   At leas don’t get me started on women without considering that, this time around, MEN are wearing these things.   And just like the women, the wrong kind men are wearing these particular abominations in their quest to be oh, so, so, hip.

Russel Brand in skinny pants: What happeed to his penis??

Russel Brand in skinny pants: What happeed to his penis??

As with women, unless you are a fey, skinny lad (or lassie, in the case of women,) you should NOT

Andy Richter demonstrates why an un-skinny guy shouldn't wear skinny jeans.  Thanks a bunch teamcoco.com!

Andy Richter demonstrates why an un-skinny guy shouldn’t wear skinny jeans. Thanks a bunch teamcoco.com!

attempt this trend whatsoever.  No excuses!  If you weigh more than 100 lbs soaking wet, and have no muscles in your legs, then you need to stay away–WAY FAR AWAY–from this trend.  There is nothing worse than a man who has the bear-like physique of Seth Rogen or Andy Richter squeezing himself into a pair of these abominations just because they’re in his usual size.

When considering this trend, an old fashion axiom comes to mind:  Just because it comes in your size, or you can fit into it, doesn’t mean you should wear it.

I so wish I could show you the overweight, bearded hipster I saw at the bagel shop this one day, with his girlfriend, in a pair of these things.  NO butt whatsoever!  For some reason, the guy versions of these jeans flatten a guy’s butt like nobody’s business.  Well, maybe it’s not that the guy has no butt, but more that the pants have to accommodate the butt by squashing it down and pushing it to the sides of the pants, where all the stretch seems to be. Instead of showing an average person–mostly because I don’t want to cause harm to someone who isn’t a public figure–you can see what I mean on Andy Richter, who’s pretty much the size of a lot of guys who shouldn’t be wearing skinny jeans.

Yes, these pants stretch sideways–more than likely because they simply do not provide for girth.  So even guys should, perhaps,  make that annoying beeping sound when they step backwards (you know, like trucks.)

Look, boys and girls (or men and women,) it’s not a matter of protesting and saying “so what if I’m fat! I can wear skinny jeans, too!” because, quite honestly, if you are not a size o0-3, you’re gonna look bad in these things.  The amount of spandex in them is tremendous, and thus they are amazingly unforgiving.  They do not act like shapewear–well, maybe they do in the sense that they make you look like you’re trying to squeeze 10 lbs of frosting into a 2 lb pastry bag–but it’s not a good look.   The skinny people will be fine buying jeans or other types of pants or leggings that cling to their bony figures.  Good for them.  But damn!  Can the rest of the world stop kidding themselves that they look good–or even nominally presentable– in these things??   Because, y’all really don’t.  Especially you guys out there who are built like guys.  Please.  Make it stop.  It looks like it really hurts anyway, and you can’t be doing the family jewels any favors by being so fashionable.  Yes, women say you have to suffer for fashion, but there is a certain point when the suffering is unnecessary.  Skinny jeans is perhaps that certain point.

Russell Brand pic courtesy of  The Mirror

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